GRANNY BARKES UPDATE...
Well folks it looks like Granny Barkes Fell in Woolworths WILL HIT THE BOOKSHELVES AT LONG LAST IN MARCH 2023.
There has been a slight delay because of the copyright of the illustrations to be used. Granny Barkes Fell in Woolworths will be illustrated with a number of specially commissioned original paintings by Johnny Bluenote.
So there you are. To those who doubted it would happen I say, 'O ye of little faith'.
Back some years ago, when I was doing the rounds of literary agents with Granny Barkes, I had a very nasty letter from one agent. He asked how I could have the gall to send him such rubbish. I have kept this gentleman's details and on the day Granny Barkes hits the bookshelves he will get a specially inscribed copy with the inscription reading: Put that in your pipe and smoke it Nancyboy!
GENE
What a pile of lying horse-manure. No-one in their right senses would finance the publication of Granny Barkes Fell in Woolworths, 3,000 laboured, derivative words long, Finnegans Wake diluted to a homeopathic blandness and then strained through the crotch of a pair of Gene's lavishly skidmarked underpants. It first saw the light of day in 2011, and has grown at roughly fifty words per year until Gene started claiming late in 2019 that some ramshackle outfit in California was going to publish it. The pandemic enabled Gene to account for the delay in publishing this non-existent novel, but his excuses for its non appearance since have reached previously unplumbed depths of desperation. "Johnny Bluenote" was one of Gene's sock puppets on TES Opinion, and Gene's painting skills fell well short of applying Dulux gloss to a radiator, so the tale of specially commissioned paintings is also a pile of lying horse-manure.
ReplyDeleteThe only remaining curiosity left in this ridiculous fantasy is to wonder what nonsense Gene will come up with in six weeks' time to account for yet a further delay in the publication of his non-existent novel.
Gene couldn't write "pee, po, belly, bum, drawers" on a toilet door: what kind of psychosis leads him to sustain this nonsensical bravado? Bonkers or what?
Some headlines from the online review of Grandma Burke Crapped herself In C & A:
ReplyDelete-- As Dorothy Parker remarked of "The House at Pooh Corner", this is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force". [Labia Doompubis, the London Revue of Boxes]
-- "Grandma Burke Crapped Herself in C & A" reminds me of Truman Capote's famous review of the equally terrible "On The Road" by an equally terrible writer, the poseur's poseur Jack Kerouac. Mr Capote said, "this is not writing: it's typing". [Harvey Smegma-Willoughby, The Salisbury Close].
-- It would be a good idea buy fifty or so copies of "Grandma Burke Crapped herself In C & A" so that the next time there is a toilet roll shortage you have a stock of suitable paper. And at least you will be mopping up piss with piss, and wiping off shit with shit. [Perineum van Gerimpeld-Scrotum, De Telegraaf]
-- It was the late Jeffrey Bernard who said that a lot of people think, because they can type, that they can write. Gene's Vincent's execrable "Grandma Burke Crapped herself In C & A" proves Mr Bernard's point beyond all doubt. It will take you five minutes to read this appalling verbal jigsaw, after which you will reflect on how else you could have used those five minutes to more rewarding profit: vigorous masturbation, emptying your bowels, picking your nose and eating it and then trimming your nostril hair, or kicking Gene Vincent in the balls until he apologised for writing this utter crap - the possibilities are endless. [Ruud Lidhole, The Sunday Tintinnabulation].
-- I have never seen a piece of writing which insults a reader's intelligence more comprehensively than "Grandma Burke Crapped herself In C & A". The author is obviously psychotic, and judging from this dreadful emanation, the main symptom of his psychosis seems to be a paradigmatic example of the Dunning-Kruger effect. The author, Gene Vincent, taught me when I was in the sixth form, and we all thought he was a tosser then, one of those teachers who thought he was God's gift but was actually a colossal wanker. And as to what happened to the girls he used to get to "help him tidy his stock cupboard" - well, least said, soonest mended.
[Clinton Tebbit-O'Mara, The Pink Paper].
-- "Grandma Burke Crapped herself In C & A" is an inept plagiarism of a first draft of Finnegans Wake, using the Latent News technique more ineptly than you would have thought it possible. [Jimmy Furaha, Literary Swahili Digest].
-- What IS this shit? [Rick Bagger, Rolling Stone].