DETTERLING GOES TO CONFESSION...

In preparation no doubt for the falling of the final curtain Detterling attends confession. His confessor is Archdeacon J.C. Flannel of the C of E parish of Blaydon Races.

Detterling: Bless me Father for I have sinned,

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: How long has it been since your last confession my son?

Detterling: Actually I have not been since 1972. Which was also the last year that I shaved. Have had a beard since then.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: So you haven't been shaved or haven't been shriven since 1972? Tee! Hee! Hee! Hee! It's the way I tell 'em.

Detterling: Very good Archdeacon.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: And what sins do you wish to confess my son?

Detterling: The Sin of Onan. Yes over the years endless masturbation. 

Archdeacon J.C Flannel: Well, in your case I figured as much. One can always tell. And my son is this masturbation still continuing?

Detterling: No, it ended when I developed erectile dysfunction.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: And you are truly sorry for all those years of masturbation?

Detterling: Well, I guess so.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Any other sins my son?

Detterling: Yes, I have a life-long fear and loathing of gays and lesbians.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Really! This is most strange.

Detterling: Yes, I know. Publicly I am a committed supporter of  the Gay Lobby but the truth is that I hate and despise all gays.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: How has this come about my son?

Deterrling: It's a long story Father but I will encapsulate it. Back in my school days when I was in the Sixth Form I was accused by my fellow students of engaging in masturbation. I was hauled before the Student Council and the charge was substantiated. I was sentenced to be sent to Coventry. The Chairman of the Student Council who communicated the sentence to me was gay. Ever since then I have hated gays. But of course I pretend the opposite. To protect my pinko-liberal, Left-wing credentials I pretend to support the Gay Lobby. I know that it's so hypocritical. Recently a gentleman named Swashbuckling Mulligan wrote a devastating satire on my hypocrisy in this. I was knocked for six.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Hypocrisy is a terrible sin. Remember Jesus was harsh only with hypocrites.

Detterling: I know. I know. Mea culpa.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel:  Just a thought. To make reparation here perhaps you could make a clean breast of it and write an article giving your true feelings on all things Gay Lobby? Perhaps you could publish this in one of the Tyneside newspapers? Perhaps The Chronicle, The Northumberland Gazette, The Northern Echo? I think you may find this a wonderful catharsis my son.

Detterling: That'd a good idea. I will certainly consider it.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Now, anything else to confess my son?

Detterling: Well yes, my envy, jealousy of and deep-seated resentment to Gene Vincent.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: How long have these feelings towards Mr. Vincent existed?

Detterling: Over twenty years now Father.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Oh! dear! Oh! Dear!

Detterling: It all began with eight and a half inches. Gene is blessed with a male member measuring eight and a half inches in length - girth in proportion no doubt. Now when I compare my pathetic three and a half inches (when in maximum tumescence) I feel so inadequate.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Well, I think it best for you to leave this aside. None of us can compete with Gene Vincent in this respect.

Detterling: Not easy Father but I guess I will try. However there is much more troubling me as regards Gene. He and I have had so many battles over the past twenty years. Some on the TES website, some on Gene's blog. I always lose. Gene always gets the better of me and I have built up such anger and hatred towards him.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Oh! dear! anger and hatred gets us nowhere my son. You must forgive Gene Vincent.

Detterling: Forgive Gene??? I would find that so hard to do. This man has even boasted about mounting my wife Delia Doggy-style.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Oh! dear! Oh! dear! This is serious. This soul is heading for the bottomless pit. You must pray for Gene - that such a fate may never befall him. 

Detterling: Well, if my salvation depends on it I will try and forgive Gene. Not easy. He has torn me to shreds on so many occasion. He has mocked and guffawed at me. He has made me a laughingstock. He has a rapier-like wit. On one occasion I wrote to him:

'Gene I know that you probably despise me.' He wrote back, 'Well, if I ever gave it any thought I probably would.'

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Yes, I know how easy it is to build up hatred. I have fallen into that myself. How I detested and loathed that creeping Jesus Runcie and his self-basting pietism. And I absolutely abhorred Rowan Williams with his silky voice and superior attitude. Oops! What have I said? You didn't hear any of that!

Detterling: Gene's forte is Theology and how I have repeatedly come a cropper when I tangled with him on theological issues. For example, aging woke fool that I am, I once wrote that the Holy Spirit is a woman. My word! How Gene tore me to shreds for such jackassery. He wrote:

'Putting aside the obvious point that God the Holy Spirit transcends physicality, based on biblical texts the gender of the Holy Spirit as male is a core tenet of Church belief. Denying it would heresy.

While Holy Spirit’s power and influence is often expressed in Scripture with feminine imagery (e.g., the word “ruach … spirit“ in Hebrew is feminine), Scripture consistently refers to the Holy Spirit using masculine pronouns. Jesus himself referred to the Holy Spirit as “He” (Greek ekeînos as in John 14:26, 15:26, 16:13).'

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: So he is quite a learned man this Gene?

Detterling: Yes he is. And the irony is that despite me losing in every showdown I have had with him on theological issues I have learned so much about the Faith - about the Church teaching on homosexual acts, about the Church teaching on Original sin, about the heresy of Pelagianism, about the theology of Saint Paul and even about the Thirty-nine Articles.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Well, it is marvellous that you can see Gene's correction of you in such a positive light. But, I have a feeling that there is more to be confessed about your relationship with Gene.

Detterling: Indeed there is Father. I have been consumed with envy at Gene's success as a writer. I am a writer myself and have completed a memoir entitled Journeyman. It will be published posthumously. Gene has long claimed that he was working on a major opus that would be a ground-breaking new literary form. I regularly dismissed his claims as fantasy and was adamant that his work would never be published. Then, lo and behold, his book came out in late 2023. It is entitled Granny Barkes Fell in Woolworth's. I was devastated at its publication. Gene has beat me to the punch. And to make matters worse it received great acclaim from figures such as A.N. Wilson and Arianna Huffington. I am just totally consumed with envy, jealousy and resentment.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: My son envy, jealousy and resentment constitute great sin. My suggestion is that you take steps to expiate this sin. Have one of those old-style human sandwich boards made - you know the kind that straps over the shoulders. Have an advert for Granny Barkes Fell in Woolworth's emblazoned back and front. Walk for, say, two hours a day up and down the Scotswood Road promoting Granny Barkes Fell in Woolworth's. It will do you a power of good.

Detterling: Now Father there is something else. Something terrible.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: It's not bestiality is it? Please let it not be.

Detterling: No Father it is not bestiality - but it is a terrible sin.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Well, the old adage applies. 'Confession is good for the soul'. So it is best to confess it my son.

Detterling: Well, here goes. I have a nephew Cuthbert. Cuthbert is gay. Nothing I can do about that but I think the world of him. Back around fifteen years ago I was engaged in a heated argument with Gene Vincent on the Times Educational Supplement website. I was losing of course. I thought I would seek the sympathy vote. (One of my worst weaknesses is playing the sympathy card. Once I did a John Stonehouse and faked my own death. I was rumbled by Gene of course.)

Anyhow at the time I had a nephew who tragically committed suicide. I tried by slight of hand to pretend it was my gay nephew Cuthbert. Gene rumbled me of course. And most unfortunately Cuthbert discovered my deceit and we have been estranged since.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: This kind of deceit can cause such hurt and pain. You must repent. You must try and reconcile with your nephew. Maybe you could find someone to act as an intermediary?

Detterling: As a matter of fact Gene Vincent did offer to act as a go between. But I turned him down.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: I am coming to believe that this Gene fellow isn't all bad. In some ways he comes across as a loveable rogue, a rapscallion.  I think he might make a good stand-up comedian. 

I myself have a bit of a reputation as a stand-up comedian. At archdeacon convocations I usually finish the sessions with my version of a Frank Carson routine. It goes like this:

"Have you heard the one about the Irishman who broke into a betting shop? He lost two thousand quid.

Have you heard the one about the Irishman who went to live in China? He died out there and is buried in the paddy fields.

If you come across a man who was born in the town of Nancy in northern France would it be okay to refer to him as a Nancy boy?"

Tee! Hee! Hee! It's the way I tell 'em.

 Detterling: Very good Archdeacon but could we return to my confession?

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: There is more to confess my son?

Detterling: Indeed there is. I confess that I have been a pseud all my adult life. And conceited, pompous and arrogant with it. Yes, an incorrigible pseud. Gene Vincent has said that I should have my own resident slot on Private Eye's Pseuds Corner.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Being a pseud is certainly sinful. Amongst other things it includes the sin of pride. The attitude that you are superior in understanding and comprehension. Superior than other mere mortals. Pride: that was the sin of Lucifer the fallen angel. You must move away from being a pseud.

Detterling: Everything you say is true Father but is so difficult. Being a pseud is built into my very DNA.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: I know all about pseuds. I went to Newcastle University as a young man in the early 1970s. It was wall-to-wall pseudery. Pseuds in sandals reading Sartre and Foucault. Pseuds in kaftans listening to Iron Butterfly, Barclay James Harvest, John Cage. Pseuds here, there and everywhere all talking bollocks. Oh! yes. I have lived through it.

Detterling: Thank you Father. Now there is something else that weighs so heavily on my conscience. For some years I was a counsellor. I didn't have any real qualifications, just a Readers Digest knowledge of psychology. Some of the individuals I counselled were pregnant women considering having an abortion. At that time I was fully into this evil of 'A woman's right to choose'. So on many occasions I counselled them to make up their own minds as to whether to have an abortion. I now realise how wrong I was. I should have been clear, adamant and unequivocal. I should have instructed them to never have an abortion. I am so troubled by conscience. 

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Oh! dear. Oh! dear. Oh! dear. You must beg God's mercy and forgiveness for giving those ladies such a bum steer. The Church of England teaches that there must never be an abortion - except in the very rare case of danger of death to the mother. The Catholic Church teaches exactly the same. This is no doubt the most serious sin you have confessed. Remember you bear a portion of responsibility for the deaths of any of those children aborted. You must get down on your knees and beg God's forgiveness.

Detterling: Yes Father I know my guilt. Mea culpa. If only I could turn back the clock.

Archdeacon J.C. Flannel: Well, in many ways you have turned back the clock. Following this confession you are shriven and forgiven. Well done!

Now some advice: firstly on your antipathy to homosexuals and the Gay Lobby, please be realistic. It seems the gay agenda is here to stay. Mark my words soon in the C of E we will have gay marriage of C of E priests and gay marriage ceremonies taking place in C of E churches. Disgraceful I know but there we are.

Detterling: Yes Father but it is so hard to stomach. The Gay Lobby is promoting its agenda everywhere - especial in the media and the entertainment industry. Take that beloved programme Coronation Street. It has got gay and lesbian storylines everywhere. It has even had a gay storyline featuring a C of E parish priest and a bit of rough from the local council estate. An abomination! And I need hardly remind you about the Bulls, the Christian guest house proprietors, who were so cruelly prosecuted and persecuted by the Gay Lobby.

(To be continued)