GRANNY BARKES FELL IN WOOLWORTHS
Granny
Barkes fell in Woolworths ... she'll get a free ride in the ambulance
Ha! Ha! Ha!... The just man falls seven times... Look! See the tracks
of Santa's feet on the hearth... I'll break your ould desk... Say what
may the tidings be, on this glorious Christmas morn?... He's lost his
apple cake... Look! Look what Mairead has made!... That would bury Dick
and Diamond... Indeed he went all the way to the whiney nough... I'm
getting a wheelbarrow tomorrow: it's brand new ... I can't sleep with
excitement... This is a day above all days... No, we are off to school,
c'mon Eddie... I heard a roar between two hills... L to the water Jimmy
Harte... I wish that day would come back again... And flying my kite...
What happened to your lorry Jim?... Lay on MacDuff... Edward's day
out... He cut down a tree from the hedge of the car road with a hatchet -
yes, but it's his birthday... I don't know ... maybe so. I think they
did... Look at the size of the flakes! Look at the size of the
flakes!... There's a stepmother's breath in the air... He stole
matches... Oh! I love to play when the decorations are up... If I was
you I'd build a wall... He's a good maker... The Irvines of the wheel, the wild men from
Borneo... Time waits for no man, not even John Roy... Jeremiah, blow the
fire; puff, puff, puff... Blue ink, black ink, and good red ink... See
that sycamore tree? By the end of November there won't be a single leaf
left on it... Secundam scripturas... Has he no ears?... Hey! Don't touch
that coal scuttle, that belongs to Stanton Bailey... That's the biggest
laugh I've had since I put salt in the sugar bowl last week... I'll get
ye Tony... James Hugh Monaghan from Dernee, a warrior I do beliee...
Hurling by bum, hurling by bum... Ya'll come now? Oh! that do make it nice... You are very unsatisfactory... I
was reading The Messenger... Drinking buttermilk all the week, whiskey
on a Sunday... Back to back, belly to belly, don't give a damn about
Yarnarelli... Come day, go day, God send Sunday... The chocolate tree,
the sweet tree... The waters wild went o'er his child and he was left
lamenting... 'Ma mither is a queen', said he... This new wheel of
fortune has just come from France... John Johnston's horses are in your
corn... Which one's thaaat?... Night's for rest, night's for rest... There's a yellow rose in
Texas... "Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom, what you do to me, when you're
holding me tight."... A field in Larne... Would it be physical?... A
stew boiled is a stew spoiled... The Minster-clock has just struck two,
and yonder is the Moon... Boys obtuse... And the hunter home from the
hills... Wait
'til I get another stone for you Cyril... McAree, McAra, McAvarn
K-Kunny, put in your white foot 'til I see if you're my mummy... Bara
lynsey, bara lynsey... Patch upon patch sown without stitches; come
riddle me this and I'll give you my britches... "Hold on, my door was
hit too."... Joe Worthington, Joe Worthington you'd sit till you'd
rot... Come to the water fit a thank ye, fit a thank ye, fit a thank
ye... Dazed I stepped forward to be congratulated by Lord Erne... Most postmen are dishonest and do steal money from envelopes... I washed my hands in water; water never run, and I dried them in a
towel that was neither wove nor spun... Here comes I Wee Devil Doubt,
the pain within, the pain without... Peeping round the door in the khaki
there to see the old pair once again... When I was a lad so was me
Dad... Ta Ra Ra Bam, Ta Ra Ra Ching, Ta Ra Ra Bam, Ta Ra Ra... 'Twas on a
Sunday evening that Barlow's it was robbed: Mrs Barlow went down to the
room to get a treacle scone, but when she saw the moneybox, the money
it was gone... Genitori, Genitoque Laus et jubilation... He relies too
much on his effing muscles... The Protestant boys are loyal and true:
they are in me eye says Donal Abu... What's the 'with thee' for? What's
the 'with thee' for?... On a brick-coloured ticket, that's brick
Pat... All in!... Water! Water!, er , Tea! Tea!, with two lumps of
sugar and a spot of milk... I wonder, yes I wonder, will the angels way
up yonder, will the angels play their harps for me?... Whistle and I
will come to you me lad... Get that Teddy Boy haircut out of my
sight!... The one with the black bucket is the best... Paw! Haw! Haw! John's just laughing at us... The shadow of the
Valois is yawning at the Mass... Sandy Row on an Easter Monday, every
day's like an Easter Sunday... It's always Torchie and the second years... Willie Ruckie... Milled today, fed
tomorrow... It's long and it's narrow, it's not very wide, it wears a
green selvage on every side... Tilly Versailles... "Yes, yogurt is very good for longlevity"... Yes and truly you are
best... No more tomorrows in your career... Dr Whitehead... Piss, Piss
Iceland dog!... Tickets are sixpence each and I hope you all win...
Andera Keck K-Keck K-Keck K-Keck... We sell only the best E..E..English
C..C..Coca Cola... Aye but, naw but, could you cut turf?... Hollyhocks!
Hollyhocks! over Bobby Lyttle's garden wall... "You took the coat
hanger to it."... The seas obey, the fetters break and lifeless limbs
thou dost restore... You could easily stand on Kelly's hills and count
his skinny ribs... Barefooted thatcher, Pa Bunty... Have you got a wagon
to put these wheels on?... Lauda Jerusalem Dominum, Lauda Deum tuum
Sion... Man attacked and thoroughly beaten, attackers make off in a posh
car... Swiftly, silently and unseen... You see Missus D; there's the
cow and there's the gate... C'mon... let's get home for the beef and
spuds... Ecce Panis Angelorum… Can it be I can't see the curtain?... Dee daw Marjorie Raw... You're idle for
stelk... Saucepan gossiper... Corduroy for every boy, cordurat for
every cat... We're the boys that fears no noise, we are the bold
Drumarda boys... On Saturday night we all got tight and Cassidy brought
us over... Silver Saturday, jink night... Listening to the footsteps of
the boys from Tedd... Dick Nan's: just the spot for a picnic... Listen
to me George: "Would you like white stones on your grave?"... Fish away... You know I have an affection for thee... The
bespectacled roadman... Chick a boom, chick a rack, ... chick a boom,
chick a rack, and the yellow skirt goes swinging... Mr. Marley has been
dead these seven years, Scrooge replied. He died seven years ago, this
very night... Too strong Grandad, too strong... Go on Balfour!... Santa
Agatha, ora pro nobis... "Pope Pius XII died during the night."... The
Ypres Salient at Night... Histracy... Wherefore have you left your
sheep on that stony mountain steep?... Hi for a toffer and hi for it
still; and hi for the wee lad lies over the hill... The river eddy
whirls... Beati Michaeli
archangelo... Put a table in the hall and it will do fine... And he
fully did... Are you ruptured?... Jimmy Hicks is not in hell... Rushe came down last night...
I know my nick name... Uncle Merry... For aye for guide: very good
neighbours, but keep your back to us... Apostrophe at the Post Office
today... Let the reindeers go. Let them go!... Good morrow Mick...
No-one will read your papers... Oh! Hugh is staunch... Jack's in
Diviney... Smithers... You're only making a faddle (fardel) of
yourself... The image of a girl... Deeper than the wishing well...
Ballina, Balnabroka, Anahinahola, don't show the white feather wherever
you go... Carolina moon... What a beautiful day! What must heaven be
like?... Do you know our d'Brian?... Who got hit?... You're nice Miss Rice.... I see
said the blind man... The fish in the pond are seeing red as Bobby is
fishing with Coates strong thread... And all round Peter Brewer's car... And those who come from distance
far are always late for tea... Oh! to be in Doonaree... All day all
night Marianne; down by the seaside sifting sand... Look at the way
he's twisting that stick... He won't know himself in this lovely
place... You've given me a taste of fame... There was a wild colonial
boy Jack Saltey was his name. Geoff Duke. Elenore Gee! I think you're swell... The people they call me
Calypso Joe. Peas ... er, from our garden. Delish... Oh! my diploma... I
win a pound... The ancient ring post snapped like a matchstick... I
think, I think, that she's the mostest of the lot, and furthermore she
is the only chick I got... Nicolette, I can pick 'em!... Raddle diddle
da ha ha... A great time of day to be in such good humour... They all
wore black coats and black top hats and they turned and went up to your
room... Deep, deep river, away, away... Early morning light, Rat ta-tat
ta-tat ta-tat. Rat ta-tat ta-tat ta-tat...
What IS this shit?
ReplyDeleteThis is the eleventh version of this utter piffle to appear on this blog. On its first appearance, on March 3rd 2013, it was 247 words long; now, after nearly six years, it runs to 1465 words and still means the square root of bugger-all - pretentious, empty alphabet soup. Not only that, but at a work-rate of 250 words A YEAR, it seems that even writing as badly as this comes hard to Gene, straining his almost non-existent literary powers past their limit.
ReplyDeleteIt must be terrible to be Gene at the moment; an illiterate drunkard whose wife has thrown him out of the marital bed in order to avoid his inept and foul-breathed groping, shunned by his daughters at Christmas, and now, because of his drunken, bigoted boorishness, rudeness, nastiness and violence, excluded from The Good Yarn Friday Night Arse-Kissing and Circle-Jerking Club. He is having a really bad time, a thought to warm the cockles of the heart this Christmas tide. There again, I cannot but echo the late Kingsley Amis who, when being told of an enemy who was having a bad time, used to bark "not bad ENOUGH!". It gives one the greatest possible pleasure to kick the ineffable Robert Willoughby Vincent when he is down. I look forward to hearing even worse news of him in the coming year.
And I have just realised of whom it is that Gene's terrible writing reminds me: he is a 21st century William Topaz McGonagall.
ReplyDeleteAnd he has just sent me this sickeningly hypocritical email:
ReplyDelete"To Detters, Delia and Sebastian WISHING YOU ALL A HAPPY AND HOLY CHRISTMAS from GENE."
This is the man who, not long ago, boasted of having shagged "Delia", invited his friends to congratulate him for having done so, and boasted of the tenth anniversary of an occasion when he claimed to have fathered my beloved son on her - a uniquely nasty piece of vainglory.
He is filth, pure and simple; disgusting is too feeble an adjective for this repulsive little turd.
Compare and contrast...
ReplyDeleteSaturday, a warm and hilarious family gathering with mother in law, brother in law and partner.....Sunday, daughters, husbands and grand-daughters convene at our house for a loud and happy afternoon culminating in a capella carol singing round the piano which brought the neighbours round with requests for Silent Night and The Angel Gabriel, then all the family to Nine Lessons and Carols at our local church, where my son read a lesson with aplomb, understanding and relish.....yesterday, final preparations for the festival and in the evening, playing the organ at a carol service for an old friend whom I have known since she was six weeks old and who is now a vicar in the next parish but two.....and today, an early start with our son opening his presents, an afternoon with in laws and nieces, and tonight Christmas dinner with the family, cooked by me and enjoyed by everyone.....
And contrast? Gene, illiterate, rejected, banned from his favourite pub, shunned by his daughters, drunk every day by the late morning, and reduced to bolstering his self-esteem by recycling for the eleventh time a piece of writing which was dreadful five years ago, stank up the place then and stinks up it worse each time he recycles it.....
Face it, Gene; you are rubbish.